The Gatrix
by Ruthie
Summary: The machines begin to terrorize Zion, Jack saves Neo and Trinity from a fatal mistake and Sam and Daniel meet the Rhet-Oracle.
1. Default Chapter

Title: The Gatrix  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Summary: Jack insults some Agent Smiths, Sam gets sucked into the telephone, Daniel becomes 'The Two' and Morpheus hides under the table. All this and more, as you enter: The Gatrix!  
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
Obviously, you all know what The Matrix is, and I certainly don't own any of it, so don't even try to sue me for it.  
  
Details: Humour, Parody, SG-1/The Matrix Crossover (Original Film)  
  
Archive: My site, Heliopolis, Gateworld, Fanfiction.net, Stargatefan  
  
~ The Gatrix ~  
  
Copyright (c) Ruth, 2003  
  
**********  
  
"Godspeed, SG-1," Hammond said, saluting them before they walked through the gate.  
  
As they stepped out of the other side, something appeared to be very wrong.   
  
**********  
  
They were in a small room, with a faintly green tinge. In the corner of the room, there was a telephone ringing. As they turned back towards the gate, they were astonished to meet with a brick wall.  
  
"What the hell is going on?" Jack asked.  
  
"Things are indeed very strange here," Teal'c agreed, walking over to the telephone.  
  
"Whoa, wait a minute," Sam said, "Can anybody hear footsteps?"  
  
With their weapons aimed, SG-1 waited. The footsteps grew louder, and before they knew what was happening, the door had splintered inwards and they were facing no less than ten men, who looked exactly the same.  
  
The one at the front cracked his neck menacingly. Jack winced.  
  
"Ow. Felt that one, buddy."  
  
The man stared at him, and removed his tinted glasses. The other men did exactly the same.  
  
"Do you know who we are?" he asked, putting the glasses back on and straightening his tie.  
  
"Well, y'all look the same, so I'm guessing you're one..two...three...eight...tentuplets!" Jack announced proudly. Sam rolled her eyes.  
  
The man looked at him. "I am agent Smith. This is agent Smith. This is agent Smith. This is agent Smith. This is agent Smith. This is agent Smith. This is agent Smith. This is agent Smith. This is agent Smith, and this is agent Smith."  
  
Jack laughed loudly. "Oh, you guys have the same name? That is sooo pathetic!"  
  
Daniel looked at agent Smith, who was definitely getting angrier by the second.  
  
"This must be a new program," he muttered to the agent Smith next to him, "One designed outside of the Matrix."  
  
"Uh...Jack..." Daniel said, beginning to tremble, "It might be a good idea for you to shut up now..."  
  
"What? I mean, seriously. You ALL have the same name? Oh my God!" He continued laughing.  
  
Agent Smith cracked his knuckles and growled. The others did the same.  
  
Sam, meanwhile, got so irritated with the continuous ringing of the phone that she crossed the room, and picked it up.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
Suddenly, in front of their eyes, she seemed to dissolve into the receiver.  
  
"Sam!" Daniel shouted, trying to cross the room.   
  
"You're going nowhere," Agent Smith declared, raising a gun to Daniel's head.  
  
"AAAAGGGHHH!" Daniel screeched.  
  
Jack opened fire on Agent Smith, but it did nothing. The man avoided all of his shots, and remained still with an irritating smirk on his face.  
  
"Shit," Jack said, and dived under a table just as bullets began to rain down on them.  
  
**********  
  
Sam didn't know where she was. The last thing she remembered was picking up the telephone, and then everything had turned a nasty shade of dark green.  
  
She could see numbers and letters whizzing past her face, but she didn't know exactly where her face was.  
  
"Hello?" she asked, getting no reply. "Hello?" She shouted this time, but still there was no reply.  
  
**********  
  
Neo jumped out of his skin.  
  
"Hello?" the toaster said again, more loudly and annoyed this time.  
  
"Trinity!" he shouted, taking off his glasses and looking more closely at the toaster.  
  
Trinity entered the room, pulling her coat around herself.  
  
"What's up, Neo?" she asked.  
  
"The toaster," he said, gesticulating with his hand, "It's talking to me."  
  
Trinity smiled at him. "Ahh...I guess we stayed up too late last night, huh?"  
  
Neo shook his head. "No, it's definitely talking to me. It said hello - twice."  
  
"Sure," Trinity said, "Now, come back to bed..."  
  
"Hello!" the toaster shouted, "Can anybody hear me?"  
  
Trinity jumped out of her skin. "Agh! The toaster's talking to me!"  
  
"I did try to tell you that," Neo replied, putting his glasses back on, "This is obviously a fault in the Matrix."  
  
"A what?" the toaster replied.  
  
Neo bent down closer to the toaster, and said, "Hello? Can you hear me?"  
  
"Yes!" the voice replied, "I can hear you, Neo."  
  
Neo frowned, and stood up with his hands on his hips. "How do you know what my name is?"  
  
"Damn," the voice replied, "Umm...because Trinity just said it."  
  
Trinity frowned. "And how do you know what my name is?"  
  
"Damn. Umm...because Neo just said it!"  
  
Trinity bent down closer to the floor and growled. "Morpheus, get out from under the table!"  
  
**********  
  
"O'Neill, we appear to be in a lot of trouble," Teal'c stated, as the agents continued to fire relentlessly on them, "And Major Carter has seemingly dissolved into the telephone."  
  
"Teal'c, ya think I don't know that?" Jack answered acidly, throwing another grenade at one of the agents.  
  
"I was merely giving you an update of our situation," Teal'c replied.   
  
"Well, I think we need a situation update pretty soon!" he snapped, as another bullet whipped past his ear.  
  
It was then that he became aware of the fact that Daniel was not with him.  
  
"Shit! Daniel!"  
  
Daniel had crawled out from under the table and was trying to make his way across the room. Unfortunately, agent Smith spotted him, and began to run towards him.  
  
Suddenly, time began to run slower. Daniel stood up and began to run, and before long he was in mid-air, preparing to beat the living daylights out of agent Smith.  
  
"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooo!" He said, and slowly, time began to speed up again.  
  
He landed in an unceremonious heap on the floor, underneath Agent Smith, who took great delight in whipping him with his tie.  
  
"We meet again, Mr Jackson," Smith leered, kicking him in the side.  
  
"Agh! Would you quit doing that!" Daniel shouted, "I just had my appendix removed, for crying out loud!"  
  
Teal'c looked at Jack.  
  
"Sweet," Jack replied.  
  
**********  
  
"Morpheus, what were you doing under the table?" Trinity demanded.  
  
"I was searching for a new program upgrade," Morpheus said, weakly.  
  
"Whatever," Neo said, "Jeez, my head is killing me. Trinity, do we have any aspirin?"  
  
"No," she said, "The agents took the last lot."  
  
"Dammit!" Neo shouted, slamming his fist down on the table, "I need some aspirin!"  
  
"Okay, Neo," Morpheus said, backing away slowly, "We'll get you some tablets, you just have to calm down..."  
  
Trinity backed away from him, and ran out of the door.  
  
"Why, oh why doesn't Zion have a drugstore?" she asked Morpheus, as they vacated Neo's room.  
  
Morpheus shrugged. Trinity remembered something.  
  
"Yeah, just what were you doing under the table anyway?"  
  
**********  
  
"Hello?" Sam tried shouting again, but the green numbers just kept whizzing past.  
  
"Hello," a voice replied.  
  
"Oh, thank God," Sam began, "Listen..."  
  
"You have reached the Matrix helpline," the voice continued, "If you are experiencing trouble with your connection, press 1. If you are heading for the wrong hard drive and wish to turn back, press 2. If you're looking for our latest software upgrades, press 3. If you're lost and looking for directions, press 4."  
  
"How do I press 4?" Sam shouted, "I don't even know where my hands are!"  
  
"You have selected option 4," the voice replied, "Please hold the data stream."  
  
Some cheery classical music began to play. Sam screamed.  
  
"I'm on hold in the Matrix!" she shouted, "What the hell is going on?"  
  
**********  
  
Neo sank back down on his bed and pressed his aching head into his pillow. His head was aching like mad, and he would have killed for a beer. Instead, he reached for the remote control and flicked on the TV.   
  
"Goodmorning, and welcome to Matrix 24 - all the up-to-date news on what's going on in your data stream!"  
  
He grunted and changed the channel.  
  
"Hello, and welcome to the Neo channel!" a cheery woman replied, "Can't get enough of 'The One?' We're here 24/7 to help ease your pain!"  
  
"Oh, for goodness' sake," he cursed, changing the channel again.  
  
"How would you like to have your own Sentinel, mounted on a golden platter?"  
  
He turned a shade of green, and decided that turning the television off would probably be a better idea. However, the battery chose that moment to run out, and he was left stranded on the Shopping channel.  
  
"And if that's not good enough, how about a jar of 'The One's' spit? 100% real slobber!" the woman cheerily beamed.  
  
**********  
  
"Thank you for holding the data stream," the voice replied, "We are now transferring you to a random exit point, and re-connecting you with your body parts. Please note that The Matrix cannot be held responsible for the damage or any loss of vital limbs or organs. Thank you for choosing The Matrix, please come again soon!"  
  
"You're never getting my business again," Sam said, and then screamed as she began to fall rapidly downwards, into a pit of dark-greenness.  
  
"Please keep your hands and arms inside the tube at all times," the voice advised, "And please do not wear hats on the tube."  
  
"I don't have any arms!" Sam wailed, and began to plummet downwards.  
  
"Remember to smile for the camera!" the voice smiled, and Sam yelled as a flash went off from seemingly nowhere.  
  
"Have a nice journey."  
  
That was the last she heard of the voice, before she saw herself falling towards a rectangular-shaped hole. Her descent began to increase more, and she prepared herself for the final part of the drop. She suddenly lurched to a halt, and was held in mid-air.  
  
"Please note," the voice said, "That to avoid getting lost again, The Matrix recommends that you free yourself from machine-imposed slavery and join the fight against the Sentinels. Thank you for your time."  
  
Sam frowned. "What?"  
  
She suddenly lurched downwards again.  
  
"AAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!"  
  
**********  
  
"And if that isn't good enough, how about a strand of 'The One's' Nasal hair?"  
  
"AGH!" Neo shouted, throwing the remote control across the floor.  
  
He turned over and was about to go back to sleep when the television began to buzz.   
  
"What the...?"  
  
CRASH!  
  
The TV screen smashed outwards, sending glass flying everywhere. When the dust cleared, Neo was surprised to find an attractive but annoyed looking woman sitting on his carpet.  
  
"Uh...hello?" he asked, sitting up on his bed.  
  
Sam sneezed some of the dust out of her nose and looked at the extremely attractive man sitting in front of her.  
  
"Hi. Uh...I'm sorry about your TV...what the hell just happened to me?"  
  
**********  
  
"Now things are getting a little serious," Jack said, watching in disbelief as Daniel started to kung fu kick all of the Agents out of the room.  
  
"Daniel Jackson appears to be kicking butt," Teal'c commented in disbelief.  
  
"I know - I find it hard to contemplate myself. The Matrix is a doorway to endless possibilities and our eyes have only just been opened to the infinite number of possible and impossible outcomes. Blah, blah, time inversion, blah, blah, wormholes, blah..."  
  
Teal'c frowned. "O'Neill, I can safely say that I have no idea what you are talking about."  
  
Jack nodded. "Me neither. Oh, look, Daniel's doing that slowing time thingy again."  
  
True enough, Daniel rose slowly into the air, and kicked one of the agents clean in the face, sending him flying back into a wall.  
  
"But...he's supposed to be in the corner, sneezing," Jack moaned, "Now how am I supposed to do my macho thing?"  
  
"Your macho thing will clearly have to wait, O'Neill," Teal'c smiled, "Daniel Jackson is doing it for you."  
  
**********  
  
"Um...well...my name's Sam, and my friends and I just came through the Stargate to your..."  
  
"Whoa," Neo said, "The Stargate?"  
  
"Yeah," Sam replied, "Ya know - the huge round thingy?"  
  
Neo shook his head. "I thought it was just a monument of some sort."  
  
"No, it's a teleportation device," Sam explained, "Anyway, we came through in this small room and there was this phone there that kept ringing. I was about to pick it up when all of these guys walked in who looked exactly the same as each other, and we were like: whoa, but this phone still hadn't stopped ringing, so I went over and picked it up, and the next thing I knew I was stuck in this green place with loads of numbers whizzing around my head."  
  
Neo took hold of her by the shoulders. "You actually got inside of the Matrix mainframe?" he asked, in disbelief.  
  
"Yeah," Sam said, her hands on her hips, "And they had me on hold for nearly fifteen minutes! Can you believe that?"  
  
"I have to get Trinity and Morpheus," Neo said, "Stay here for a minute."  
  
He rushed out of the room, and Sam was left to pick bits of dust out of her hair.  
  
**********  
  
Daniel stood up as the last Agent was thrown out of the window.  
  
"Wow," Jack said, "Daniel, that was..."  
  
"Amazing?" Daniel beamed, flexing his muscles, "Maybe I'm better at this than I thought."  
  
"Hey," Jack said, "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Now...we have to find Sam."  
  
Just then, the telephone started ringing again.  
  
"Uh...didn't Sam disappear into the telephone?" Daniel asked. Jack nodded.  
  
"Then...wouldn't it be a good idea for us to follow her?" Daniel said, slowly, as Jack didn't quite get it.  
  
"Ah, yes," Jack said, "About that - "  
  
It was too late, because Daniel had already picked up the phone. Jack and Teal'c watched in surprise as Daniel disintegrated into the phone, leaving the receiver hanging down from the table. Jack shrugged, and replaced it.  
  
It began to ring again.  
  
"You next, T," Jack said, picking up the phone and offering it to Teal'c. Teal'c took the receiver, gave Jack a small bow, and entered the telephone.  
  
Jack was left on his own. He thought about all of the stupid things that had happened that day, shrugged, and decided that it couldn't really hurt. After all, with Daniel's new found strength and Teal'c's knowledge of different warriors, where could they go wrong?  
  
The telephone began to ring again. He sighed, picked it up, and answered:  
  
"Yellow?"  
  
**********  
  
"Oh my God!" Daniel shrieked, "Jack, where the hell are we?"  
  
"It is me, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c replied, "O'Neill is right behind us."  
  
"Teal'c, have you noticed that you don't actually have a body?"  
  
"Indeed. You are correct, Daniel Jackson. This is most disturbing."  
  
"Teal'c, is it just me or is it really green in here? Wherever 'here' is, that is."  
  
"You are correct, Daniel Jackson. Our surroundings appear to be a nauseating shade of dark green."  
  
"Agh! For crying out loud, where are my arms?" Jack shouted, "And my legs!"  
  
"We all have the same problem, O'Neill," Teal'c said, "I suggest that we try to remain calm."  
  
"Calm? CALM? Teal'c, I don't have any arms or legs!"  
  
"Neither do I, O'Neill."  
  
"Hello. You have reached The Matrix helpline. If you are experiencing trouble with your connection, press 1. If you are heading for the wrong hard drive and wish to turn back, press 2. If you're looking for our latest software upgrades, press 3. If you're lost and looking for directions, press 4."  
  
"What?" Jack asked.  
  
"Option 4," Teal'c said, "Would be most profitable for our needs."  
  
There was a long pause, during which Daniel sneezed, even though he didn't know where his nose was.  
  
"You have selected option 4," the voice replied, "Please hold the data stream."  
  
Some cheery classical music began to play.  
  
Jack shrugged. "How can we be on hold in The Matrix?" he asked, "What is wrong with the world?"  
  
"I have often asked myself that question, " Teal'c replied.  
  
**********  
  
Sam was still picking bits of dust out of her hair when Neo returned, with two other people behind him.  
  
"This is Trinity, and Morpheus," he said, by way of an introduction. He turned back to his accomplices, "She came through the Matrix without having her consciousness transferred into her body here!"  
  
Morpheus looked genuinely surprised. "You're telling me, that anyone can move through The Matrix without our control?"  
  
"Yeah," Neo replied, "She just...sorta...came out of the TV."  
  
"Wow," Trinity replied, "No wonder your hair looks so bad."  
  
Sam growled. "So would yours if you'd just fallen out of a television."  
  
"How exactly did you come across the telephone?" Morpheus asked, "I take it that is how you gained access to the Matrix."  
  
"Yes," Sam said, "Well, we came through the Stargate and landed in this small room, everything was a dark shade of green..."  
  
"The what?" Trinity asked, "Did you say a Stargate? What is that?"  
  
"It's a teleportation device," Sam said, "The only problem is, I couldn't find the DHD, which..."  
  
"DHD?"  
  
"Dial-home device," Sam said, "Look, it's very simple and I'd love to explain it to you, but my friends might be in trouble and I need you to help me find them."  
  
"There are more of you?" Morpheus asked, "How many more?"  
  
"Three. Colonel O'Neill, Daniel Jackson and Teal'c. When I picked up the phone, all of these blokes had walked into the room, they all looked exactly the same..."  
  
Trinity's face fell. "The Agents."  
  
"Yeah," Sam said, "They said that too. Agent Smith, I think it was. Anyway, Jack and T seemed to be dealing with them..."  
  
Neo shook his head. "In all likelihood, your friends are already dead."  
  
"What?" Sam asked.  
  
**********  
  
"Thank you for holding the data stream," the voice replied, "We are now transferring you to a random exit point, and re-connecting you with your body parts. Please note that The Matrix cannot be held responsible for the damage or any loss of vital limbs or organs. Thank you for choosing The Matrix, please come again soon!"  
  
"Finally," Jack grumbled, "The customer service here is terrible."  
  
Suddenly, the three of them began to plummet rapidly towards the ground (which they couldn't actually see.)  
  
"Please keep your hands and arms inside the tube at all times," the voice advised, "And please do not wear hats on the tube."  
  
Teal'c frowned. This was not turning out to be a very good mission.  
  
"Remember to smile for the camera!" the voice smiled, and Daniel yelped as a flash went off from seemingly nowhere.  
  
"Have a nice journey."  
  
That was the last they heard of the voice, before they saw themselves falling towards a rectangular-shaped hole. Their descent began to increase more, and they prepared themselves for the final part of the drop. They suddenly lurched to a halt, and were held in mid-air.  
  
"Please note," the voice said, "That to avoid getting lost again, The Matrix recommends that you free yourself from machine-imposed slavery and join the fight against the Sentinels. Thank you for your time."  
  
"What?" Jack asked. Teal'c shrugged.  
  
"AAAGGGHHH!"  
  
**********  
  
"No-one has ever fought an agent and survived," Neo explained, "Except me, that is, because I'm The One."  
  
"Ooh," Sam said, evidently not impressed, "Well, if nobody's ever survived, how do you know that nobody ever will?"  
  
Trinity frowned. "Because nobody's ever survived."  
  
"Whatever," Sam said.  
  
Suddenly, there was a resounding crash, and the room filled up with dust once more. When it cleared, Neo, Trinity and Morpheus were greatly startled to witness three more men sitting on the floor.  
  
"Colonel!" Sam said, "Thank God the lot of you are okay!"  
  
"Remind me never to travel with Matrix again," Jack grumbled, as Sam helped him up off of the floor, "The service is terrible."  
  
"Yes, sir," Sam smiled, "I'd like you to meet Neo, Morpheus and Trinity."  
  
"Carter, you know the strangest thing? Danny Boy actually managed to beat the crap out of those Smith guys."  
  
Neo smarted. "What?" he asked.  
  
"Danny here, took on ten men in one go, and beat them all! He even did this slow-motion kung-fu stuff, like running up walls!" Jack grinned, "It was sweet."  
  
Morpheus' eyes widened. "Then he must be The One!"  
  
Neo pouted. "But I'M the One!" he frowned, stamping his feet, "It's MY name, not his!"  
  
Daniel looked at Teal'c in confusion. "Okay..." he said, "Sorry to bother you people, but how do we get out of here?"  
  
"I am unsure," Morpheus said, getting closer to Daniel, "You say he killed ten Agents?"  
  
"Yeah!" Jack said, jubilantly.   
  
"Operator!" Morpheus said, "Load the jump program!"  
  
**********  
  
SG-1 were astounded to find themselves on top of an extremely tall building. The wind was blowing about their faces, as Morpheus led Daniel to the edge.  
  
"You must let everything go," Morpheus explained, "Free your mind."  
  
Then, he walked back to where the others were standing, took a running jump and cleared the gap between the buildings.  
  
"Sweet," Jack murmured, "When do I get to do it?"  
  
He tried to run off, but Sam leapt at him and grabbed hold of his ankles to stop him from doing it.  
  
"Dammit, Colonel, it's suicide!" she said.  
  
Neo watched Daniel with his mouth in a grim line, his arms folded.   
  
"Nobody makes the first jump," he said to Trinity, trying to hide the fact that he was exceedingly jealous.  
  
"You must..." Morpheus began, but Daniel waved him off.  
  
"You want me to jump this? Please! Do I look like an idiot?"  
  
"Yes!" Neo coughed. Trinity elbowed him in the ribs.  
  
"Alright," Daniel said, "But this is the weirdest thing that anybody has asked me to do..."  
  
He ignored the sound of Sam being dragged around the roof by Jack, who was still insistent that he wanted to jump.  
  
He took a step back, and ran. His feet lifted off of the roof, and for a moment he was flying...  
  
Then, he fell downwards very dramatically and splatted onto the tarmac.  
  
"HA!" Neo shouted, pointing at Daniel with a smirk.  
  
"Shut it!" Daniel shouted from the ground, "I bet you didn't make it first time!"  
  
**********  
  
Back in Neo's room, Morpheus was still convinced that Daniel was more powerful than he thought.  
  
"You could be The Two!" he suggested, "Seeing as Neo's The One."  
  
"The Two," Daniel said, "That's a pretty cool name."  
  
"Not as cool as 'The One'," Neo smirked, giving Daniel the v-sign.  
  
"Oh, grow up, you idiot," Jack said.  
  
"We have to get you back to the green room," Morpheus said, "But I think you'll have to go through the Matrix again."  
  
"Awww..." Jack moaned, "I hated that!"  
  
"Get over it," Morpheus said, and dialled the telephone.  
  
**********  
  
"Hello. You have reached The Matrix helpline. If you are experiencing trouble with your connection, press 1. If you are heading for the wrong hard drive and wish to turn back, press 2. If you're looking for our latest software upgrades, press 3. If you're lost and looking for directions, press 4."  
  
**********  
  
After another exhausting and annoying trip back through The Matrix, SG-1 were thoroughly relieved to find the DHD waiting for them as they fell out of the telephone.  
  
Daniel turned back to Morpheus.  
  
"Thank you, Morpheus. Thanks to you, I have discovered my true power."  
  
"You are 'The Two,' Morpheus replied proudly, "We will be needing your services again, soon."  
  
"Just give us a call," Daniel grinned, "C'mon, lower beings!" he said jokingly.   
  
Teal'c and Sam glared at him.  
  
Jack frowned. As Daniel stepped up to the gate, Jack booted him through it.  
  
"That'll teach him to call me a lower being," he mumbled, as he went through after his friend.  
  
When the gate shut down, Morpheus, Neo and Trinity were left on their own.  
  
"Well...that was strange," Trinity said.  
  
"Yeah," Neo replied, "Who would have thought that there'd be a 'Two' out there?"  
  
"Well, there is," Morpheus commented, "And we will no doubt need their help again. After all, everything that has an end, has a beginning..."  
  
(Long Pause)  
  
"Morpheus, you retard, it's the other way around."  
  
"Oops. Sorry."  
  
THE END (for now)  
  
Author's Note: Who fancies 'The Gatrix Reloaded'? Please send feedback! 


	2. The Gatrix Reloaded

Title: The Gatrix Reloaded  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Summary: Trinity's got PMT, Daniel's kicking butt, Neo's suffering from post-hero depression and Jack and Sam follow the white rabbit (and subsequently fall down a rabbit hole.)  
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
Obviously, you all know what The Matrix is, and I certainly don't own any of it, so don't even try to sue me for it.  
  
Details: Humour, Parody, SG-1/The Matrix Reloaded Crossover, Other Pairing, Daniel/Other. Unless you're British, you probably won't get the 'Specsavers' gag near the end.  
  
Archive: My site, Heliopolis, Gateworld, Fanfiction.net, Stargatefan  
  
~ The Gatrix Reloaded ~  
  
Copyright (c) Ruth, 2003  
  
**********  
  
"SG-1, you have a go," Hammond said, and watched as his flagship team disappeared through the gate.  
  
When on the other side, they knew that they were in trouble.  
  
**********  
  
Once again, everything was a nauseating shade of dark green, (even the trees) and the minute they stepped forwards they found themselves surrounded by Agent Smiths.  
  
"Hello again, Mr Jackson," the first one drawled, holding a gun.  
  
"Aw, crap!" Jack cursed.  
  
Daniel shook his head, ran a hand back through his hair and cracked his neck menacingly. The Agent Smiths followed his lead.  
  
Suddenly, Daniel leapt into the air and time seemed to stop. The Agent Smiths looked up at him as he fell back down on them, and began beating the crap out of them.  
  
"Sweet!" Jack murmured, as Daniel took out two agents at the same time with the aid of Teal'c's staff weapon.   
  
"They do not refer to Doctor Jackson as 'The Two' for no reason," Teal'c said, admiring his friend. "He is a warrior of considerable skill, O'Neill. Much more considerable than you."  
  
Jack smarted, and turned away from Teal'c to walk along the side of a green river. Sam followed him, and Jack paused briefly.  
  
"Oh, look - a cute little white rabbit!"  
  
"Aw!" Sam smiled, "Let's follow the white rabbit!"  
  
They then promptly fell down a rabbit hole.  
  
**********  
  
Trinity folded her arms and sniffed indignantly.   
  
"I know you're thinking about...THAT woman!"  
  
"Trinity, honey, honestly, Persephone meant nothing to me..." Neo protested, trying to lay a hand on her back.  
  
"I'm not talking about Persephone!" Trinity snapped, "I'm talking about that woman who came through the TV!"  
  
"Sam?" Neo asked, suddenly remembering, "Sam..." he said dreamily.  
  
SLAP  
  
"Ow!" Neo cursed, rubbing his cheek, "Trinity, what's wrong with you?"  
  
"I am in love with you!" she shouted, "And you keep going out with tarts like Persephone and that woman!"  
  
"I didn't go out with Persephone!" Neo protested, "I only kissed her!"  
  
SLAP  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"Well, hear this, 'One'. That brown-haired guy, you know - 'The Two?' His butt was nicer than yours!" Trinity said, storming out of the room and slamming the door.  
  
Morpheus walked in and looked at Neo.  
  
"What's wrong with her?" He asked, sitting down beside Neo.  
  
Neo shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe it's her 'time of the month.'  
  
Morpheus and Neo snickered.  
  
"I HEARD THAT YOU F*** PAIR OF B****!"  
  
SLAP  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"Ow!"  
  
**********  
  
"Oh, not again!" Jack moaned.  
  
He was once again floating in the mainframe of The Matrix. He recalled their past customer service standards to be appalling, so he obviously wasn't pleased to be back.   
  
"Sam?" he called.  
  
"Yeah?" she replied.  
  
"Just checking you're still there," Jack said, "But I still can't see my arms or my legs...or my body."  
  
"Damn!" Sam quipped.  
  
Jack smirked.  
  
"Jack, I can't see your face, but I'm guessing that there's a smirk on it somewhere."  
  
"I'm guessing the same. Now, how long do you think it will be before we get the Matrix helpline?"  
  
"Well, it'd better be quicker than last time - and we'd better not fall out of the TV again. Did my hair no end of trouble..."  
  
"Hello. You have reached the Matrix Helpline. If you're looking for information about things to see and do in The Matrix, press 1. If you're lost and looking for directions, press 2. If you're interested in purchasing The One's nude calendar, press 3. If you're looking for the nearest casualty department, press 4. If you're heading for Zion and can't remember your pass code, press 5. If you're waiting to book cinema tickets, press 6. If you'd like to book a table at the Dataside restaurant, press 7."  
  
"Option 2," Jack said, wondering how much it would cost to book a table at the dataside restaurant.  
  
"You have selected option 2. Please hold the data stream."  
  
CHEERY CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS  
  
"D'oh!"  
  
**********  
  
Daniel landed back on the ground and took a deep breath. There were even more agents than when he had started! Grabbing Teal'c's staff weapon, he started by beating the men away from him, but they were now appearing from everywhere.  
  
"Agh!" Daniel shouted as one of the Agents stuck his hand into his chest.  
  
"You'll enjoy being an Agent, Mr Jackson," he drawled.  
  
"I don't think so!" Daniel grimaced, pushing down hard on Teal'c's staff weapon and shooting up into the air, much to the surprise of the Agents.  
  
Teal'c grinned. "He is indeed a superior warrior, even to you O'Neill. I-"  
  
Teal'c turned around, and realised with annoyance that Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill were not there.  
  
Daniel stuck the staff weapon into the ground and threw himself into the air, using the stick as a support. He then proceeded to kick the agents as he spun around, feeling more and more nauseated by the minute.  
  
"Go Daniel!" Teal'c chanted, "It's your birthday, Go Daniel!"  
  
**********  
  
"Thank you for holding the data stream. You have selected option 2. The Matrix is now transferring you to a random exit point. We hope you have enjoyed your stay. Please accept our free complimentary napkins at the drop-off point. Please wait for further instruction."  
  
"Ooh," Jack said excitedly, "Napkins!"  
  
"Jack, shut up," Sam moaned, wishing that she could put her head in her hands (the fact that she could feel neither prevented her from doing this.)  
  
Suddenly, they began to fall rapidly downwards.  
  
"I don't like this bit!" Jack yelled.  
  
"Please note that The Matrix cannot be held responsible for any loss or damage to body parts. Do not wear hats on the ride. Thank you for choosing The Matrix travel, and we hope you will come again soon."  
  
"Aaaaaagh!"  
  
Once again, both Sam and Jack found themselves lurched to a sudden halt.   
  
"The Matrix would like to request that to avoid further discomfort you unplug yourself from the 'fake' world and enter the 'real' world. Thank you for your patience, we hope you have a safe journey."  
  
They began to fall again, this time towards a round-shaped hole in the floor beneath them.  
  
"AAAGGGHHH!"  
  
**********  
  
Trinity stormed into her room and slammed the door shut behind her, throwing off her jacket and collapsing onto her bed. She sighed deeply. Neo and Morpheus were being such pigs lately. In the back of her mind she could still see the brown-haired, gentle archaeologist who she had met just a few months previously, who had become 'The Two.' She smiled at the memory of him and twisted over on the bed, pulling a drawer out of her cupboard and grabbing a bar of chocolate. She stuffed it into her mouth quickly and waited for the despair about her weight to kick in.  
  
Meanwhile, Neo sat in the laundry room glumly, watching the washing machine go round and round. He didn't know why they still had one. Theoretically, it was still counted as a machine and they should have gotten rid of it, but, like the dishwasher, it had proved invaluable when he just couldn't be assed to do the chores by hand.  
  
Suddenly, the machine stopped, and made an unhealthy choking noise. Neo stood up and looked warily at it.  
  
"Whhromcdfmdod!" the machine said, as if someone was talking through a mouthful of water.  
  
"Hello?" Neo asked.  
  
"IDNDMASOASPSP!" the voice replied, more agitated this time.  
  
"Who's there?" Neo asked, bending down next to the machine.  
  
"It's Morpheus," a voice said dryly, "He's blowing water up his nose with a straw and trying to talk."  
  
Neo turned around to see Trinity framed in the doorway, and Morpheus, with two straws stuffed up his nose.  
  
"Morpheus!" Neo moaned, "That is SO not funny!"  
  
"Ooh!" Morpheus said, "Someone's been in a bit of a stress since 'The Two' was discovered!"  
  
"Shut up!" Neo snarled.  
  
"You have a point," Trinity smiled, "His performances in bed have been of a much lower level since Daniel arrived."  
  
"Trinity!" Neo hissed, and Morpheus giggled.  
  
"Dear me, Neo. Got trouble standing to attention?" he sniggered.  
  
"Get lost, both of you," Neo snapped, getting up and storming out of the room.  
  
Trinity and Morpheus looked at each other and burst out laughing.  
  
Suddenly, the washing machine exploded.  
  
BANG!  
  
When they'd recovered from the shock of the explosion, they saw two familiar figures sitting in the soapsuds.  
  
Trinity snarled, her hackles rising.  
  
"Hey, bitch!"  
  
Sam glared back.   
  
"What's the matter?" she asked, "You and your boyfriend having relationship problems?"  
  
"You wanna make something of it?" Trinity asked, her voice rising.  
  
"YEAH!" Sam shouted back, standing up and squaring her shoulders as Trinity walked closer.  
  
"BRING IT ON!" Trinity yelled, pushing Sam back into the machines.  
  
"OH YEAH?" Sam asked, retaliating with a kick that sent Trinity flying.  
  
Jack and Morpheus watched in amazement as both women fell to the floor and began to roll around, fighting.  
  
"You know," Morpheus said, "This would be so much better with jam..."  
  
**********  
  
Daniel fell to the ground exhaustedly and watched as smoke began to rise from the ground.  
  
"Daniel Jackson," Teal'c warned, "We must leave quickly now you have agitated Agent Smith and his brothers."  
  
"I take it we've gotta go through the Matrix again," Daniel groaned, "God, I hate that thing!"  
  
"As do I," Teal'c replied, "But it is a necessary step, Daniel Jackson."  
  
"Oh look!" Daniel smiled, "A white rabbit!"  
  
"I believe we must follow it," Teal'c stated, and fell straight down a rabbit hole, with Daniel close behind him.  
  
**********  
  
"Whore!"  
  
GRUNTING  
  
SLAP  
  
"Ow!"  
  
SLAP  
  
GRUNTING  
  
"Bitch!"  
  
"Um...don't you think we should do something?" Jack asked.  
  
"Are you outta your mind?" Morpheus shouted, "How often do you think it is that we get to see two beautiful women wrestling in soap suds?"  
  
"That is a very good point."  
  
**********  
  
"Hello. You have reached the Matrix Helpline. If you're looking for information about things to see and do in The Matrix, press 1. If you're lost and looking for directions, press 2. If you're interested in purchasing The One's nude calendar, press 3. If you're looking for the nearest casualty department, press 4. If you're heading for Zion and can't remember your pass code, press 5. If you're waiting to book cinema tickets, press 6. If you'd like to book a table at the Dataside restaurant, press 7."  
  
"Option 2," Teal'c replied boredly.  
  
"You have selected option 2. Please hold the data stream."  
  
CHEERY CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS  
  
Daniel sighed. "I really do get very bored of this."  
  
Suddenly, a whirring noise started.  
  
"The Two code detected...The Two code detected...we are now transferring you to a safe exit point. Have a nice day!"  
  
"Sweet!" Daniel grinned. Suddenly, everything went black. When things became clear again, they found themselves in a room with grey walls, and they could hear sounds of a scuffle from the next room. Quickly, they entered, and were shocked to see Sam and Trinity fighting each other in a pool of soap suds from the washing machine.  
  
"Sam!" Daniel shouted, and made a move towards them.   
  
At the sound of Daniel's voice, Trinity leapt to her feet and ran at him, throwing her arms around him and kissing him passionately. Neo nearly fainted with shock.  
  
"Trinity?" he squeaked.  
  
"I love you, Doctor Jackson," she growled, "I love you..."  
  
Daniel was now looking very scared indeed.   
  
"Uh...well...thanks Trinity, but I really don't..."  
  
Neo sniffed and walked out of the room, trying hard not to cry.  
  
"What's with him?" Jack asked, jerking his thumb at Neo's retreating backside.  
  
"We think he's suffering from post-hero depression," Morpheus explained, "It's because your friend here is demonstrating similar if not better powers than himself, and he just hasn't got over it yet."  
  
"Come this way, doctor!" Trinity growled, grabbing hold of his shirt and dragging him out of the room, wriggling in protest.  
  
"Jack!" he squeaked, "HELP!"  
  
Jack sniggered. "Enjoy, buddy!"  
  
**********  
  
Meanwhile, Neo sat alone in his room, sniffing sadly and looking at the space on the floor where the television had once been. He was brought round from his thoughts when there was a knock at the door, and Sam entered.  
  
"Hey," she offered, "I'm sorry about Trinity."  
  
Neo shrugged. "That's okay. She gets like this every once in a while, she's just been more vicious this time. I think it's because you're here. She feels...threatened by you."  
  
"Really?" Sam asked, "Wow, I never thought I'd hear anybody say that about me."  
  
Neo got up and began to pace around the room.  
  
"Are you alright?" Sam asked, "You seem tense."  
  
"I don't know...it's just...what with Doctor Jackson becoming 'The Two,' you know..."  
  
Sam smiled warmly. "Daniel's just as confused as you are, but even if he isn't - you're still 'The One', Neo."  
  
Neo muttered something under his breath that Sam didn't quite catch.  
  
"You know what I do?" Sam asked, "When I'm feeling sad?"  
  
"What?" Neo asked.  
  
"I eat chocolate," she smiled, "Chocolate bars, chocolate cake, chocolate mousse, anything."  
  
"But there is no spoon," Neo groaned, "How am I supposed to eat chocolate without a spoon?"  
  
Sam sighed. Poor Neo was clearly in need of professional help.  
  
**********  
  
Meanwhile, Daniel was in serious trouble trying to get away from Trinity.   
  
"Uh...Trinity..." he begged, scrambling up one of the curtains, "I like you, but we really don't need to mess things up by doing this..."  
  
"But I love you!" she cried, clawing at the bottom of the curtain.  
  
Daniel bit back a shriek and tried to climb higher.  
  
"HELP!" he shouted, "Somebody! PLEASE!"  
  
**********  
  
"HELP! Somebody! PLEASE!"  
  
Sam heard Daniel's cries of horror and raced through into the next room to see him trembling, clutching hold of the curtain rail whilst Trinity hung off of the bottom of the material, grinning and clawing at the curtain.  
  
"Trinity!" Sam shouted, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"  
  
Trinity turned around to see Sam and her eyes flashed angrily.  
  
"Oh, sh-"  
  
Sam turned on her heel and ran, as Trinity began to chase after her. She had absolutely no idea where she was going, and soon found herself in a dark green parking lot. She selected herself a dark green motorbike and jumped on, roaring off towards the nearest exit.  
  
"I'll get you!" Trinity snapped, getting on her own motorbike and riding off after her.  
  
At that moment, the lift doors opened and Jack and Morpheus ran out cheering.  
  
"Whoo!"  
  
"Go Trinity!"  
  
"Quick," Morpheus said, "If we can catch hold of a truck, we can sit on the top and watch them."  
  
"Good idea," Jack replied, "Can you get hold of any popcorn?"  
  
"Sure," Morpheus said, "But we've gotta hurry. Follow me."  
  
**********  
  
Sam raced out onto the freeway and wasted no time in accelerating to her top speed. As she weaved in and out of the traffic, she cast a look in her rear-view mirror and saw Trinity was still close behind her, waving a French stick menacingly.  
  
As she sped up, out of the corner of her eye Sam could also see Jack and Morpheus sitting on top of a truck, eating popcorn and cheering.  
  
She shook her head in disbelief, but stopped when her motorbike began to make an unhealthy noise. She turned around to see that Trinity had jammed the French stick into her back wheel, and it wasn't doing the motorbike any good at all (it was, however, producing great croutons.) She braked suddenly and turned around to face the other way, heading straight into the oncoming traffic.  
  
"Nnnnnnooooooooooo!" Jack cried, "Morpheus! We're gonna miss the end!!"  
  
"Have no fear, old man!" Morpheus cried, "Look - behind us, a truck piled high with scooters!"  
  
"Wow," Jack said, "Morpheus, you're a ge - SCOOTERS?"  
  
"On three, we jump," Morpheus said, cradling his can of beer. "One, two, THREE!"  
  
So they jumped. Jack unfortunately landed next to the pink scooter and Morpheus next to the blue.  
  
"Can we swap?" Jack asked.  
  
"You think I'm riding a pink scooter?" Morpheus snorted, "No way. Get on!"  
  
Jack grumbled and got on the scooter.   
  
"Operator," Morpheus said, "We need a program to hot-wire some scooters."  
  
"Coming up," the operator replied, supplying Morpheus with the program.  
  
In just under a minute, they were ready to go.  
  
They launched themselves off of the truck and back down onto the freeway, where they travelled along at a leisurely thirteen-and-a-half miles an hour.  
  
**********  
  
Back at Zion, Neo was still depressed. He was sitting in his room, feeling sorry for himself, when Doctor Jackson entered.  
  
"Hi!" Daniel smiled, "Can I sit down?"  
  
"Feel free," Neo said, offering him a seat next to the table.  
  
"Uh...Neo...we need to talk."  
  
"I know. It's just...I've been feeling so insecure about this whole business with you being 'The Two.'"  
  
"I know, that is totally how I feel too," Daniel nodded.  
  
"Really?" Neo asked.  
  
"Oh, yeah," Daniel continued, "Normally, it's my job to get my butt kicked, not to kick butt. It's been quite scary."  
  
"But you do have the power," Neo continued, "You are The Two.''  
  
"Yes, I am," Daniel said gently, "But you are The One, Neo. The one! You are the number-one guy! Everyone looks up to you, I mean - for goodness' sake, you're an action figure!"  
  
"That's true," Neo smiled, "Even though it looks nothing like me."  
  
"But they cared enough to try and make you an action figure," Daniel explained.   
  
"Neo, you are the single most important man in Zion, and probably the entire world! You don't need to worry or be depressed - you are the world' hero, YOU."  
  
Neo smiled. "Yeah. Yeah! I am! Oh, thanks Doctor Jackson!"  
  
He embraced Daniel in a tight hug that nearly suffocated him.  
  
"Oh, by the way, I'm sorry about Trinity. She gets like that quite a lot. We're gonna have to start locking her in a room or something." Neo explained.  
  
"It must be tough," Daniel commented, "Though I must say, I was quite flattered by the attention."  
  
**********  
  
"Come on!" Jack screamed at his pink scooter, "Go faster!"  
  
"We are going as fast as the scooters are equipped to!" Morpheus shouted.  
  
"TWENTY MILES AN HOUR?" Jack shouted, "I've had faster things come out of my nose!"  
  
"Well, what do you suggest we do?" Morpheus shouted back, "The ladies are still waaay ahead of us!"  
  
"Look," Jack said, "That hot-dog van must be doing at least fifty - can we get onto that?"  
  
"Your mathematical skill is appalling," Morpheus shuddered. "If we are doing twenty, and we are level with the hot-dog van, how can it possibly be doing fifty?"  
  
"Shut up!" Jack shouted, "Whilst we're on the subject of stupidity - your glasses! You should have gone to specsavers, mate! I mean, what is going on with those?"  
  
"THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!" Morpheus protested, "Neo said they brought out the colour of my eyes."  
  
"HA!" Jack laughed so loud that he nearly fell off of his scooter.  
  
"There's a freeway exit here," Morpheus said, "Let's turn off. I think we've missed the best of the action."  
  
Just as they turned the corner, however, they saw two grounded motorbikes and two women rolling around on the sidewalk, beating each other with their fists.  
  
Jack got off of his scooter and raced over to Sam, pulling her off of Trinity.  
  
"Come on!" He said, "We've gotta go!"  
  
"You...bitch!" Trinity spat. Morpheus grabbed hold of her, took a handkerchief from his pocket, and covered her eyes with it.  
  
"Wild animals are supposed to calm down if you cover their eyes," he explained.   
  
Trinity thrashed around for a bit, but then lay still in his arms.  
  
"Come on," said Morpheus, getting back on his scooter with Trinity. "Let's go home."  
  
**********  
  
When they got back, they found Daniel and Neo doing a spot of male bonding over a game of Jenga.   
  
Unfortunately, it was time for them to go home. Sam and Trinity still had to be kept apart, but Trinity was much calmer now she had the handkerchief over her eyes.  
  
"We'll see you soon," Jack grinned, picking up the telephone.  
  
***********  
  
"Hello. You have reached The Matrix return travel line. Please accept our free lemon-scented napkins."  
  
***********  
  
"Neo," Morpheus said, "I need you to be truthful with me."  
  
"Yes?" Neo asked, digging into a piece of chocolate cake (without a spoon of course, because there isn't one.)  
  
"My...glasses...do you think they look...okay?"  
  
"Yeah!" Neo smiled, "Sure."  
  
A small voice grunted from the corner of the room. It was Trinity, locked in a cage.  
  
"You should have gone to specsavers," she smirked.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
Author's Note: You'll probably have to wait a while for The Gatrix Revolutions, because I haven't seen it yet. Feedback, anyone? 


	3. The Gatrix Revolutions

Title: The Gatrix Revolutions  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Summary: The machines begin to terrorise Zion, Jack saves Neo and Trinity from a fatal mistake, Agent Smith reveals a crush and Daniel and Sam meet the Rhet-Oracle.  
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
Obviously, you all know what The Matrix is, and I certainly don't own any of it, so don't even try to sue me for it. If you're a fan of Blazin' Squad and Liberty X, I apologise.  
  
Details: Humour, Parody, SG-1/The Matrix Reloaded & Revolutions Crossover, Other Pairing.  
  
Archive: My site, Heliopolis, Gateworld, Fanfiction.net, Stargatefan  
  
~ The Gatrix Revolutions ~  
  
Copyright (c) Ruth, 2003  
  
**********  
  
Morpheus ran a hand over his head and groaned inwardly. Zion was in deep trouble and needed help, fast. The only people he could think of were SG-1, and 'The Two.' The only trouble was, he had no way of contacting them. If anything was going to happen, 'The Two' would have to sense it and help them.  
  
Things did not look good.  
  
He went over to the coffee machine and pressed the button for a cappuccino. It made a strange gurgling noise and spat a stream of boiling hot water onto Morpheus' hand.  
  
"Agh!" Morpheus shouted, watching in horror as the coffee machine came to life and growled menacingly at him.  
  
Luckily, Captain Niobi rushed in with an overly large sized gun and promptly blew the coffee machine up.  
  
"Morpheus," she said breathlessly, "Are you okay?"  
  
"The coffee machine!" Morpheus yelled in agony, "Why did they have to take the coffee machine? There's a perfectly good photocopier next door!" He pounded his fists on the table, "Oh, WHY couldn't you take the photocopier, you bastards?"  
  
Niobi frowned and set the overly large sized gun down on the table nearest to her.  
  
"Morpheus, it's just a coffee machine. There will be others."  
  
"BUT IT HAD THE CAPPUCCINO SETTING!" Morpheus wailed, putting his head in his arms.  
  
Niobi fumed with anger, and aimed a slap across his face.  
  
"Morpheus, you idiot! In 24 hours the Sentinels are going to breach the walls of the dock - AND YOU'RE CRYING OVER A FREAKING CAPPUCCINO?"  
  
**********  
  
SG-1 was sitting in the briefing room when Daniel suddenly flinched.  
  
"Dr Jackson?" Hammond asked.  
  
"I...oh, God..."  
  
"Daniel, what is it?" asked Sam in concern.  
  
"Relax," Jack grumbled, "It's probably just that chocolate donut repeating on him. Happens to me all the time. Ya just need a good fart or burp, Danny Boy."  
  
Daniel glared at Jack, his cheeks reddening. "Jack, this is nothing to do with the donut. I had a vision."  
  
"Of what?" Sam asked, still worried about her friend.  
  
"Of Zion." Daniel replied.  
  
"What's happening?" Sam asked, "Do they need our help?"  
  
"Yes," Daniel replied, "Yes, Sam, I think they do."  
  
**********  
  
"Aagh! The condom machine! It's alive!"  
  
Morpheus jumped and sat up, looking outside. Niobi frowned, and picked up her overly large sized gun.   
  
"HELP!"  
  
A man ran past the window, and a condom machine was indeed chasing him.  
  
Niobi leapt up and ran outside, firing at the condom machine. After a few rounds, the machine was down.  
  
"Thank you!" The man cried, "Thank you so much!"  
  
"I suggest you try and stay away from machines," Niobi said, "They're all coming to life - they can feel the Sentinels coming."  
  
The young man smirked suddenly. Niobi sighed.  
  
"If you can make a joke out of the Sentinels..."  
  
"No, ma'am," the man replied, suddenly sincere, "Sorry, ma'am. Thank you for saving my life, ma'am."  
  
He scuttled off into the shadows.  
  
"Niobi!" Morpheus shouted suddenly, "I think that another machine is coming to life!"  
  
**********  
  
"Hello. You have reached The Matrix helpline. If you'd like to purchase 'The One's' nude calendar, press 1. If you're interested in next week's lottery numbers, press 2. If you're lost and looking for directions, press 3. If you'd be interested..."  
  
Daniel groaned loudly. "Just take me to Zion, for goodness' sake!" He yelled.  
  
"Certainly, your Twoness," a voice replied from nowhere, and Daniel felt a breeze fly through his hair and past his face. He soon found himself, Sam, Jack and Teal'c standing in a small room together, with a very unhappy looking Morpheus and a very angry looking chick pointing an overly large sized gun at him.  
  
"Uh...hi," Daniel said, holding up his hands nervously, "You can put that gun down, if you really want..."  
  
"Are you kidding me?" the woman replied, still keeping the gun level with Daniel's head, "You just came out of a freaking condom machine!"  
  
Jack giggled. He couldn't help it.  
  
"Ha! Danny came out of a condom machine..."  
  
Sam elbowed him in the ribs. "So did the rest of us, Jack."  
  
He thought for a moment.  
  
"D'oh!"  
  
Niobi slowly lowered the gun as Morpheus put a hand on her arm.  
  
"It's okay," he said, "Niobi, I'd like you to meet Daniel Jackson. He is 'The One.'"  
  
"How very swish," Niobi replied, her voice laden with sarcasm. "Morpheus, I told you, I don't believe in 'The One', let alone 'The Two.'"  
  
"He is very real," Morpheus assured her. "As real as that man running past the window being chased by a photocopier."  
  
"Aaaagghh!"  
  
The others turned around, and there was indeed a man being chased by a photocopier screaming for help.  
  
Niobi sighed, hauled her gun back up onto her shoulder and ran out of the room to aid the man being chased by a photocopier.  
  
"We're so glad you've come," Morpheus said, "Things are really getting desperate."  
  
"I have to go," Neo said quietly. Trinity looked at him.  
  
"I'm going with you," she replied softly.  
  
"And I'm going with the two of you!" Jack proclaimed loudly, "Or honestly, guys, you'll go blind!"  
  
Daniel shuddered, and Teal'c raised an eyebrow. He began to ask Daniel a question, but Daniel held up his hand mid-sentence.  
  
"Don't...ask...me...to explain that, Teal'c."  
  
**********  
  
"So," Jack grinned, as he sat between Neo and Trinity in the cargo ship, "Where are we going?"  
  
"To the edge of the machine world," Neo said grimly.  
  
"Wow..." Jack said, put on edge by Neo's tone of voice. "So...what are we going to do there?"  
  
"In all likelihood, we will die," Trinity finished.  
  
Jack leapt up out of his chair at the precise moment that Neo lurched the ship upwards, and so promptly fell over.  
  
"Die?" He shouted, "For crying out loud! Nobody told me that I was going to die! I would've had it off with Carter in that convenient storage cupboard if I'd known! D'oh!"  
  
"Perhaps it was better for her," Neo muttered, keeping his eyes fixed on the horizon.  
  
"What was that?" Jack asked, his voice rising, "You gonna say that to my face?"  
  
"Oh, grow up!" Trinity sighed. "The pair of you are acting like a pair of schoolgirls!"  
  
"Sure," Jack muttered, folding his arms and ignoring Neo.  
  
"Fine," Neo spat back, also folding his arms.  
  
Trinity leapt up out of her chair and squealed in alarm. "NEO! Don't take your hands off of the controls when you're steering! Aaaggghh!"  
  
**********  
  
Back at Zion, the others were trying to decide what to do. The behaviour of the machines was becoming increasingly erratic, and Niobi found herself occupied with her overly large sized gun for most of the time.  
  
"I believe it is time that we visited the Rhet-Oracle," Morpheus stated. "Sam, Daniel, you will come with me. Teal'c - can I leave you and Niobi to help the defence against Zion?"  
  
"You are removing your sorry ass from this place?" Teal'c enquired, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Hell, yah!" Morpheus shouted, pulling Sam and Daniel away before they had time to argue with him. They left just in time, because as they disappeared into the telephone, a water-cooler next to them growled and stood up, and began walking down the corridor towards Teal'c.  
  
**********  
  
"Wow," said Daniel. He looked down at himself and was amazed to see that he was wearing a long black coat, and had a pair of expensive black sunglasses perched on his nose.  
  
"Where are we?" Sam asked, surprised to see herself similarly attired, though she was wearing leather. It was a good job that Jack was not with them, or he would have been making unsavoury comments.  
  
"We are now inside of the Matrix," Morpheus explained, "And we are going to see the Rhet-Oracle."  
  
"Who is the Rhet-Oracle?" Daniel asked, smoothing his hands down his coat as he walked.  
  
"It is very simple," Morpheus explained, "She is the most knowledgeable program in the entire Matrix, but you ask her any question, just one - and she will not answer it."  
  
"Why?" Sam asked, "With all of her knowledge..."  
  
"That is why she is the Rhet-Oracle," Morpheus sighed, "She sees your question as one that does not need to be answered. Instead, she tries to satisfy us with some pretentious drivel - for years we have pretended to be in awe of her, but every time we visit her now it is becoming a more and more trying experience."  
  
"How many times have you been to see her?" Sam questioned.  
  
"Three or four," Morpheus said, "And each time I have entered with more than I left. With. "  
  
Daniel frowned.  
  
"If she's so useless - why the hell are we going to see her?"  
  
"That is a difficult question," Morpheus agreed, "I think it is more to do with tradition than anything. We always go to see her, and I suppose if we didn't, and if she didn't see our questions as rhetorical, we wouldn't have anything to moan about."  
  
"True," Sam agreed.  
  
"Here," Morpheus said, holding open the door to the dodgy Chinese restaurant.  
  
  
  
"Only Daniel must enter first."  
  
**********  
  
Back at Zion, Teal'c turned around to see a water-cooler coming towards him at full speed.  
  
He jumped out of its path but was stunned when it turned on him and began to try and ram him into the wall. The Tau'ri machinery did not behave in this manner, and therefore it was not normal and, he supposed, could be destroyed. He smashed his fist into the side of the water cooler and was surprised when a jet of water flew out of the burst tank and sprayed him in the face.  
  
"Bfcusbfknsasb fshfisohfbedfbs sfyv!" Teal'c shouted.  
  
"WHAT?" Niobi asked, who was coming to his aid.  
  
"Bsgufgerfg dcgufbsd fisdfbeud!" Teal'c said again, more urgently.  
  
"WHAT?" Niobi repeated.  
  
"Bsgifbedfg fbhidnf sgdisdf dgbsifgbishiws chisfhidv llls fhfoods ffhidfgo!"   
  
Teal'c was now shouting through the mouthful of water.  
  
"WHAT?" Niobi shouted again, finally prizing the water cooler away from him.  
  
"THERE IS A RAGING PIECE OF PAPER-DESTROYING EQUIPMENT BEHIND YOU!" Teal'c shouted.  
  
"You mean a shredder?" Niobi asked, as she spun around and fired her gun at the shredder. Unfortunately, she lost grip on her gun and it fell into the shredder, where it was shredded.  
  
"Agh!" Niobi yelped, "My overly large sized gun!"  
  
"Leave it!" Teal'c yelled, "We must defend the lock!"  
  
The two of them ran down the corridor as the water cooler began to try and spray them, and they raced towards the lock on the opposite side of the room, which was being hit from the outside and making the door burst inwards.  
  
"Where is the commander?" Teal'c asked.  
  
"He's shouting something at the governor people to do with hating Morpheus and defending the lock," Niobi explained.  
  
"I see," Teal'c replied.  
  
**********  
  
"So..." Jack said, as the cargo ship began to drift towards something that looked like a writhing mass of mechanical squid, "What the hell are ya doing?"  
  
"It is the only way," Neo said, pressing down on the thrust and swallowing as the ship lurched drunkenly forwards.  
  
"Whoa!" Jack shouted, "Just stop for a minute, STOP!"  
  
As if by magic, time stopped. At least, it felt like it did.  
  
"I am fed up with your over-dramatic whining and moaning and groaning!" Jack shouted, "For crying out loud, stop being SO willing to run off and kill yourself when there is a perfectly good alternative facing you!"  
  
"And...what would that alternative be?" Trinity asked.  
  
~ Long Pause ~  
  
"D'oh!"  
  
**********  
  
Daniel entered the dodgy Chinese restaurant to see a man sitting calmly down at the table, looking at him.  
  
"Hello?" Daniel asked.  
  
"You are here to see the Rhet-Oracle?" the man asked.  
  
"Uh...yeah..." Daniel smiled, shifting his feet nervously.  
  
"I am Toast," the man said, getting up and walking over to face Daniel, "And I apologise."  
  
"For what?" Daniel asked nervously.  
  
"This," Toast replied, and stuck a chopstick up his nose.  
  
"Ow!" Daniel grunted, falling to the floor on his butt, "Why on earth did you do that?"  
  
Toast did not reply, but instead he picked up a piece of Kung-Pow chicken and threw it at Daniel, who shrieked as it splattered on his face.  
  
"It buuuuurns!" he yelled, clawing at his face.  
  
Toast looked pleased with himself, but watched Daniel with mounting alarm as he approached the table, selected some Cajun chicken, placed it in a prawn cracker and threw it at him, getting sweet and sour sauce all over his white robe.  
  
"Agh!" Toast shrieked, "My robe!"  
  
"You might need to use a stronger fabric softener," Daniel suggested, wiping chicken off of his face.  
  
"We are even," Toast agreed, offering Daniel his hand, "Forgive me, the Rhet-Oracle has many enemies."  
  
"I have two friends with me," Daniel said, "Are they allowed to follow?"  
  
"The Rhet-Oracle treats all people equally," Toast beamed, "She will give a straight answer to no-one."  
  
**********  
  
"I'm still waiting for an alternative solution," Neo said, tapping his fingers irritably on the controls.  
  
"Just - why do you people always have to go for the over-dramatic crap?" Jack asked, "Just give me one good reason!"  
  
Neo and Trinity looked at each other, and then back at Jack.  
  
"We...can't actually think of one," they admitted.  
  
"Well," Jack relaxed, "Why don't we go back to Zion and deal with the machines like big boys? And...girls..."  
  
"Sure!" Neo said.   
  
Time suddenly started up again, and the ship began to plummet rapidly downwards.  
  
"Aagh!"  
  
When Neo had finally gained control of the ship, Jack was in the luggage hold losing his lunch, and Trinity was perilously close to doing the same.  
  
"Next time...a warning would be nice," she groaned, pulling herself back up into a seating position and taking several deep breaths.  
  
"Sorry," Neo smiled softly, and leant across the control panel to place a kiss on her cheek.  
  
Jack promptly threw up again.  
  
**********  
  
"It is vitally important that we defend the lock," Niobi explained, as Teal'c wound an entire reel of sticky tape around it, in an attempt to keep the sentinels out.  
  
"And I believe it will take more than sticky tape," Teal'c agreed grimly.  
  
"Yeah," Niobi replied, "I think we'd better break out the masking tape."  
  
"It will be done," Teal'c replied, with a small bow of his head, as he went off to search for some masking tape, totally unaware that Niobi was staring at his butt.  
  
As Teal'c rummaged through the drawer, he came across an electric hair straightener. Surprised, he picked it up and looked at it, turning it this way and that to try and get a proper feel for how it worked.  
  
Unfortunately, he soon got the proper feel, because it bit him. Hard.   
  
"Agh!" He shouted, as his hand began to feel warmer.  
  
"What is it?" Niobi shouted.  
  
"The hair straightening appliance has attached itself to my epidermis!" Teal'c wailed. Niobi raised her eyebrows.  
  
"Come here," she said, gingerly tending to Teal'c's hand, which was getting flatter by the second.  
  
"HURRY!" Teal'c shouted angrily, as the straightener started to mock him.  
  
**********  
  
"Welcome," Toast said, stepping aside of a beaded curtain to reveal a disgustingly unhygienic public toilet, "The Rhet-Oracle will see you now."  
  
"Uh...why does she live in a toilet?" Daniel asked, wrinkling his nose and turning to Sam in surprise.  
  
"She will tell no-one," Toast bowed proudly, "I hope that she will tell you what you want to hear."  
  
"But I thought you said that she never told anybody anything?" Daniel asked, now completely confused.  
  
Toast's smile began to fade.   
  
"Just talk to her, dammit!" He snarled.  
  
Daniel looked at Sam, shrugged, and entered the public toilet. He instantly became aware of a green tinge in the room, and was surprised to find that it actually didn't smell that bad at all.  
  
There was a large green bathtub in the corner, and as he looked Daniel could see that there was a small child sitting in it, bending forks with his mind.  
  
He went over to the child in wonder and smiled.   
  
"Whatcha doin'?" He asked. The child smiled in a slightly scary way. He said nothing, but held out a fork to Daniel.  
  
"Do not try to bend the fork," he said, "That is impossible. Instead, you must realise the truth."  
  
"Which is?" Daniel asked, looking at the fork in his hand.  
  
"I am spouting a loud of gibberish that makes no sense in order to win an Emmy."  
  
"Ah," Daniel smiled, "It's all suddenly become clear."  
  
"Hello, Daniel," said a voice from behind him.   
  
He turned around to find himself looking at a man in drag.  
  
"Aagh!"  
  
**********  
  
When Jack, Neo and Trinity arrived back at Zion there was chaos. With Teal'c and Niobi defending the lock, the dock was empty and derelict of any human life.  
  
"Don't all rush back at once!" Jack shouted sarcastically, as he tried to get out of the Nebuchadnezzar only to get his trousers caught on a piece of wire that was sticking out.   
  
He heard Neo stifle a laugh from behind him, and sighed dramatically.  
  
"For crying out loud, would you just get my titanic ass out of your ship?" He shouted.  
  
A moment later, he frowned.  
  
"Hey! I never told you to get fresh with me down there!"  
  
It was then that he looked up to see Neo and Trinity standing in front of him.  
  
"Hey!" he said, confused, "If you two are in front of me, then who's...oh my God!"  
  
Neo rushed around the back of the Nebuchadnezzar and jumped in through the back entrance, whilst Trinity tried to calm Jack from the front.  
  
"Oh God..." Jack cried, "He's...he's...put a Blazin' Squad CD on!"  
  
"Jesus," Trinity breathed, standing closer to Jack and taking his hand, "Stay with me, Jack. It'll be over in a minute."  
  
Neo rushed around the back and jumped in through the back entrance. His eyes widened and he clamped his hands over his ears in terror as he heard the music blaring.  
  
"I am the One," he said, through gritted teeth, "I can overcome this..."  
  
He jumped into the main engine room and time slowed to a snail's pace. As he neared the stereo, Neo let out a cry of anguish and stumbled onto the 'off' button, clutching at his ears.  
  
Time rapidly sped up again, and he fell to the floor unconscious.  
  
"NEO!" Trinity shrieked, leaving Jack's side and running for the back entrance.   
  
When she found him, she pulled him into her arms and gently nursed his damaged ears.  
  
"Hey!" Jack grouchily called, "Would ya mind getting my butt outta here?"  
  
Trinity pursed her lips and gave Jack's backside an almighty shove, smiling with satisfaction as she heard the bump and grunt of annoyance from the other side.  
  
**********  
  
When Niobi finally managed to prize the straightener off of Teal'c's fingers, they were a lot longer than they used to be, and resembled long cheese strings hanging off of his hand.   
  
"Agh!" he shouted.  
  
"Calm down!" Niobi hissed, "It's more important that we defend the lock!"  
  
"Of course," Teal'c replied, "A warrior must not let himself be distracted by minor injuries."  
  
"Exactly," Niobi replied, and then jumped back in terror as the door suddenly burst open to reveal Councillor Gingerhair.   
  
"Niobi," she said, "You can put your gun down now."  
  
"B...but...Councillor!" Niobi stammered, "What about the Sentinels?"  
  
Councillor Gingerhair smiled knowingly. "Captain, all that happened was this. A small hole appeared in the wall and a couple of mouldy squid fell out of it. Councillor Longbeard is frying them now."  
  
"Two squid?" Niobi shrieked, "Is that it?"  
  
"I believe you have been short-changed," Teal'c replied, with an air of snide satisfaction that Niobi rewarded with a slap.  
  
**********  
  
"W...a...are you the Rhet-Oracle?" Daniel asked, staggering backwards and grabbing Sam's hand for comfort.  
  
"I may or may not be," the Rhet-Oracle replied in a voice laden with tobacco and tar, "That is not the issue here."  
  
"Then, what is the issue here?" Sam asked, gripping Daniel's hand tighter as the man in drag got closer.  
  
"The issue here is not the issue here," the Rhet-Oracle replied, picking at a spot of pink nail varnish that was peeling off.  
  
"Then what is the issue here?" Daniel asked again.  
  
"That is not the issue here," the Rhet-Oracle smiled, lighting a cigarette and cooly smoking it.  
  
Daniel's eye began to twitch. He obviously wasn't getting anywhere with the issue of the conversation, so he would have to try something else.  
  
"Okay...do you know what is going to happen in Zion?" He asked, tapping his foot impatiently.  
  
"In Zion? Where is Zion? Is it a real place, or is it indeed a figment of your imagination?" The Rhet-Oracle asked.  
  
"I don't know!" Daniel shouted, "WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME?"  
  
"That is not the issue here," the Rhet-Oracle replied.  
  
"AAAGGGHHH!" Daniel yelled. Sam began to wince as his fingernails bit into her hand.  
  
"You seem tense, Daniel," the Rhet-Oracle said, disposing of the cigarette.   
  
"Anything I can do to help?"  
  
"HOW ABOUT YOU GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER!" Daniel paused for breath, "Are you capable of that?"  
  
"That is not the issue here," the Rhet-Oracle replied.  
  
Sam smiled weakly at the Rhet-Oracle and grabbed Daniel before he exploded.  
  
"Thank you for your time," she said, "I'm sorry you couldn't help us, but I'm sure that isn't the issue here."  
  
"The issue is not the question, it is the question that is the issue," the Rhet-Oracle replied knowledgeably.  
  
Daniel let out a rapid stream of expletives but got no further because Sam forcibly dragged him out.  
  
**********  
  
Jack was walking around Zion, feeling incredibly bored of pretending not to notice that Neo and Trinity were making out behind him when he saw a ginger cat walking towards him.  
  
"Hey there," Jack smiled, "You're just like Sam's cat."  
  
The cat walked past him. Jack had gone no further than another metre when he saw another ginger cat.  
  
"Wow," he said, "Déjà vu!"  
  
Neo wrenched Trinity out from the bottom of his throat and stared at Jack.  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"I said Déjà vu!" Jack replied, "I saw one ginger cat, and then another one after it."  
  
"Déjà vu!" Trinity shouted, "It's a twitch in the Matrix! It means...it means...AGENTS ARE COMING!"  
  
"Good for them," Jack replied, and grinned. The grin disappeared when he realised that nobody had heard his joke.  
  
**********  
  
"Mr Anderson!" said a voice from behind Jack.  
  
Jack turned around to see a tall man wearing dark glasses and a perfectly designed suit.  
  
"Hi there!" he waved. Smith just glared at him.  
  
"Surprised to see me?" Smith asked, adjusting his glasses.  
  
"No," Neo replied, folding his arms and standing in front of Trinity defensively.  
  
"Then you're aware of our connection?" Agent Smith persisted, finally removing his dark glasses because he just couldn't see out of them.  
  
"No," Neo replied.  
  
Jack frowned. "Hey, wait a minute..."  
  
At that moment, Sam, Daniel and Morpheus returned from their visit to the Rhet-Oracle. Agent Smith whistled and put his glasses back on.  
  
"My, what a fine arse!" he grinned, leering at Sam.  
  
Sam leered back, but it was far from seductive.  
  
"Touch me, and this gun goes so far up yours that it'll come out of your mouth!"   
  
she snarled, brandishing the M-16 she was holding.  
  
"Ooh!" Smith grinned, turning around and waggling his butt in Sam's face, "Try me!"  
  
Sam was disgusted, but Morpheus saw a rare opportunity looming. He ran forwards and booted Agent Smith up the backside.  
  
"Agh!" Smith grunted. "You will regret doing that!"  
  
"Try me," Morpheus said, mocking his voice perfectly.  
  
Time froze. Instead of the usual martial arts, fast-paced music, 'Just a Little' by Liberty X began to play.  
  
Smith began to dance, and Morpheus followed him.  
  
Sexy, everything about you so sexy,  
  
You don't even know what you've got,  
  
You're really hitting my spot...  
  
Smith skipped up to Morpheus and slapped him on the cheek. Morpheus retaliated by spitting on his tie.  
  
And you're so innocent,   
  
Please don't take this wrong 'cos it's a compliment,  
  
I just wanna get with you  
  
You've gotta learn to let go  
  
Smith turned around and gave Morpheus an expert wedgie. Morpheus cried a little, wiped his eyes, and set about picking up a reel of sellotape and throwing it at Smith's nose, trying to break it.  
  
Work, a little bit  
  
Hot, just a little with me, in the middle   
  
Let go just a little bit more,   
  
Gimme just a little bit more.... (Just a little, just a little)  
  
Smith then performed a perfect cartwheel and slapped Morpheus on both cheeks...followed by his face.  
  
Let me,  
  
I'll do anything if you'd let me,  
  
Find a way to make you a star,  
  
Know you wanna break down the walls  
  
Morpheus retaliated by doing a forward roll between Smith's legs and turning off the small stereo that was playing Liberty X.  
  
"If we're gonna sort this out, we need to do it in a professional manner," Morpheus said, glaring at Smith.  
  
"If you say so," Smith replied, cracking his knuckles, "What'll it be?"  
  
"Tiddlywinks," Morpheus replied.  
  
**********  
  
Three hours later, the Matrix crew was happy to be sending Agent Smith to his doom - acting as the Rhet-Oracle's secretary.  
  
"I'm glad that was all sorted out," Jack said, "Now we can get back to normal."  
  
"Thank you for your help," Neo said seriously, pulling his tongue out of Trinity's throat for a moment to thank them.  
  
"I hope we'll see you soon," Daniel smiled.  
  
Sam picked up the telephone, and they were gone.  
  
**********  
  
"So...what would you like me to do?" Agent Smith asked, fiddling in annoyance with his white starched apron.  
  
"That is not the issue here," the Rhet-Oracle replied.  
  
"Then what is the issue?" Agent Smith pressed.  
  
"That is not the issue here," the Rhet-Oracle grinned, lighting another cigarette.  
  
"AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!"  
  
**********  
  
THE END  
  
Author's Note: Sorry you had to wait for so long, but I've been very busy. Did you enjoy it? Please send feedback! Many thanks to all those who have followed this twisted series from the beginning - you are very brave and I thank you for it.  
  
Merry Christmas!! 


End file.
